Stresslaxing (Yes, it’s a thing)

Telluride Daily Planet, Friday, September 27, 2024

“For fast-acting relief, try slowing down.” — Lily Tomlin

Growing up, I don’t remember much relaxing around our house. Honestly, there was my mom smoking and listening to Mozart, which was the closest thing she had to a daily mindfulness meditation.

And I can recall exactly one image of my dad chilling: it’s summer in Seattle and he’s on the patio in a lounge chair, his feet bare — which felt so incredibly scandalous to me, there was really only one way to react: “What. Is. Going. On?”

So, there wasn’t much modeling for “doing” nothing.

My ultimate pleasure, modeled by my sister, 10 years my senior, was lying on a towel on our tar-beach deck during a few primo hot summer days and soaking up some sun with a transistor radio about five inches from my head. Top-hits AM radio. No, we didn’t chill together like other families probably did. But at the same time, as a culture, back in those days, we still hadn’t gotten to the point of stressing about not relaxing, which, in the past few years, has been hailed as “stresslaxing.”

In summer, for example, stresslaxation would involve either stressing about not relaxing enough, or stressing during any attempt at active relaxation. You might be lying by the pool feeling tense instead of chill, or sitting outside watching the trees sway thinking you should be doing something else. Relaxing might be a checklist item rather than something meant to nullify checklists for a few peaceful moments. In these stresslaxing events, the fight or flight hormones adrenaline and cortisol kick in, utterly defeating the purpose of relaxation.

In the same way we’ve created a hyperawareness of sleep needs in a world that may not help us sleep well, we’ve created a block against simple relaxation in a world that contains an enormous amount of stimuli, distractions, expectations and pressure. Even the word can be incendiary. (“Relax, would you?!”)

A number of years ago, a study found that 30-50% of people experienced stress while trying to consciously relax in a trial using meditation or progressive relaxation. Though there might be many reasons for this, it feels as though people, in general, do not have good built-in relaxation habits: There is very little ease or expertise in getting into a state free of anxiety or tension. A part of us wants to keep busy in order to avoid all manner of quiet things, including boredom. But what’s so bad about boredom?

Michael Easter, in his excellent book, The Comfort Crisis: Embrace Discomfort to Reclaim Your Wild, Happy, Healthy Self, loves this topic. He writes that historically boredom would mean going inward and letting your mind wander, which is a state of rest that he describes as “unfocused mode.” In unfocused mode, we can rebuild resources we need to work better in the moments where focus is needed, including processing information and tapping into creativity. The last time you experienced boredom, did you rebel against it, complain about it or stress about it? Did you look for something to do and end up filling the empty space with distraction?

This empty space, it turns out, is valuable, and, as it happens, not that easy to come by in our screen-infested world where we stress about relaxation and boredom. In a microsecond, boredom can turn into scrolling, and we are whooshed into an upside-down world of dopamine release, FOMO, and compare-and-despair stress responses.

According to author Daniel Pink, one of the principle human motivators is mastery of something. So even though boredom or rest may be important as a goal, it doesn’t jibe with how human drive is normally used to master something — pushing and trying hard until good is better and better is best.

However, we do still need to cultivate and master relaxation habits for the sake of better health, better enjoyment of life and happier relationships, without stressing about it! I recently heard author Eckhardt Tolle speaking to a group and telling them that one or two conscious breaths a day could shift things.

For relaxation kindergarteners, all 30-50% of us, this seems like a perfectly good place to start. And maybe basting ourselves in boredom for a few more minutes every day. Being here now, for even a milli-fraction of the now, is mandated!